Pregnancy snippet

Backaches. Cramps. Stretch marks. Unstable hip joint. Compressed bladder. Insomnia. Heartburn. Sensitive breasts. And worst of all, bloating and flatulence.

But then… baby kicks. And everything seems bearable

Random joys of waking up at 5am

– 20mins: Reading in the cone of yellow light of a desk lamp; nothing and no one to interrupt this almost meditative moment.

– 30mins: Walking. Soaking up the warm sunshine and the cool, clean air.

– 15 mins: A ‘pre-breakfast’ smoothie/coconut water/juice. Unhurried relish. Watering plants. Extending the calm.

– 45 mins: Study/work on a project. Absolute stillness.

– 30 mins: A quick organisation overview . Pick up stuff, put in right place. 5 minute clean up. Check important mail. Schedule day. Pack lunch. Pack bag. Gather keys, socks, water bottles. Pray.

– 20 mins: Unhurried bath. With some music. And a scented candle. Think. Ruminate. Moisturise. Get dressed. Wear perfume.

– 15 mins: Eat a hearty breakfast. Slowly. Talk. Laugh

– 5 mins: Smile. Kiss. Hug. Step out to work.

Photo Project: Day 5- Interiors

This is a labour of love. Plants. Books. Accumulated. Nurtured.

Photo Project: Day 1-Self Portrait

I am always fidgeting with new outlets of creativity;be it sketching, blogging, DIY projects, and as of now, amateur photography. With my phone camera! Trying to make my own interpretation of the twenty six photo prompts put out by the ‘photo shelter’ team in a very informative handbook format. I intend to complete it in the month of August.

The first prompt is ‘self portrait’.

How do I see myself? I rarely look into a mirror. I grew up not being comfortable with what I saw. And this negative self image of my physical self affected my interactions with other people and how I made decisions. Never speaking up much, lurking in the shadows, not confident, constant ‘impostor syndrome’. It was bad.

I wish I could tell that being loved unconditionally by a good man changed how I saw myself. But it didn’t. At least, not entirely. It happened on its own. In my thirties, I have started to loosen up a bit. What I wear,what I want in life, how I want to do stuff, how I see myself, are no longer being governed by how I feel others might perceive and judge.

I am doing things I enjoy, unskilled but enthusiastic. I went on my first solo trip. I still get affected at times by what random people say, but I am speaking up. Less bound by societal rules, and more of conveying what I feel. I have ruined few relationships this way. But I care less about pleasing everyone now. I am curating the things and people I want in my life. Saying no more often. Caring less about things that didn’t excite me but felt were ‘essential’ to be ‘successful’.

I am still not the person I would want myself to be-less impulsive, more carefree, less angry, more calm, accept my body better, take care of it better. But I don’t fret about it. It will happen. Someday. It is all a journey.

So, here is my self – portrait. My blurry self. Without the glasses. Flawed yet a more soft hazy acceptance nowadays. There is also my desk. Paints and brushes, books, study material, travel mementoes, art, old letters-stuff I treasure – populate it. This is how I see myself right this moment.

Day 1: Self- Portrait

An Onion

“Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.”

~Carol Ann Duffy

Quiet

Yoda Press Bookstore, 2012

He is listening to songs by the band ‘When Chai met toast’, on a loop. I adore his childlike glee at sprinkled Tamil lyrics in a Hindi song.

In the early morning hours, drifting in and out of sleep, I dreamt of narrow lanes, blurry silhouettes of people rushing past, dark corridors, slate blue and dark green shop fronts illuminated by the diffuse haze of yellow lights. I remember being happy.

Throughout the day I tried to recall if it was a random image conjured by my mind or a real memory. If yes, then from where and when? Finally it came to me. Hauz Khas, Delhi. Dusk. Autumn evening. 2012. A solo trip. Walking through the busy lanes. Eating butter garlic prawns at a restaurant after walking six flights of rickety stairs. I remember hearing a strange, high-pitched bird cry, and was told it was a peacock from the adjacent forest. Later, chanced upon the Yoda Press bookstore and it was lit up with soft yellow lights. Browsed for hours. Sat cross-legged on the floor, taking my own time to decide, adding to the book pile. Roamed in the dark corridor studded with paintings and photographs. It was an unfamiliar vibe, a new feeling, very different from the small town I grew up in. More strolling around with a bag full of books. Ate gelato. I enjoyed that ordinary evening of roaming around alone. And this memory jumped to surface today, eight years later!

It is so important to be comfortable being on your own. And I am grateful that I finally do. I relish going to the movies alone every once in a while, and also eating alone at a restaurant , bookstore browsing, visiting museums and galleries, reading for hours , or going for a walk alone. Not just a refreshing break of solitude in a world that just can’t keep quiet, but also being able to do things at my own pace and be in the moment without worrying about making conversation.

At a lab I worked in very briefly, I was horrified at the thought of eating lunch together with a huge group, EVERY SINGLE DAY! At the risk of appearing rude (and I definitely must have appeared so) , I used to return to my room, eat my lunch alone, read for a few minutes while making coffee, and revel in the solitude! This need of mine becomes difficult to explain to those who thrive in being around others. I love being around people too, but I treasure my solitude equally. So much that I sometimes dream of solitude! 🙂